Voices
by coloradoperson
Summary: Emotional abuse scars the heart and damages the soul. The wounds to the spirit are not visible. No woman walking down the aisle believes she will wake up next to an abusive husband one day. Bella didn't. Jake was everything she wanted, everything she needed. She thought she knew him. She thought he adored her. She was wrong.
1. He adores me

_Hi! I wrote this for the Fandom for No Kid Hungry. It was a great cause and raised lots of money. It's a one shot, but it's a long one shot so I'm going to post it in chapters. None of them will be very long. _

_I hope you are dancing and getting those mammograms. Thanks for reading! Judy xoxoxo_

_None of this belongs to me. It all belongs to SM._

_Thank you to Emma for her beta'ing genius. And for going from a beta to being a friend! And to Bobbie, my lovely naughtydreamz. Always to the fabulous Bobbie who helps me make my decisions._

* * *

_**In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make. - Unknown**_

His voice was in my head. I heard it every moment of every day, no matter what I was doing – grocery shopping, brushing my teeth, talking to a colleague at work, getting my hair cut. It was constant, relentless. He whispered to me, haunted me, until I hated myself just as much as he did.

I don't know how long it took me to lose myself to him. I don't know when I let go of that last piece of myself I had been hanging on to. It just happened. I woke up one morning, and I was gone.

_**********************************._

_**He adores me...**_

I was a happy person when I met him. I was independent, confident, optimistic, and laughed all the time. I was in love with life and knew something really wonderful was heading my way.

When Jake walked into my life, I knew my something wonderful had arrived.

He adored me. He adored me so fucking much, and it blew me away. He wanted to know everything about me, every detail of my life before him. I told him things I never told anyone – things I was ashamed of, things I regretted, things that hurt me deeply, things I was proud of, and things that made my heart soar with happiness. I told him about losing my parents, my only family, in a car accident a few years before. When he cried with me, I knew he was the one.

There were love notes and cards on my pillow, flowers, romantic trips, and mind-blowing sex. He said I saved him, that I gave him hope. Other women disappointed him, he told me, but he knew I would never let him down.

He was a little moody, a little jealous, and just a little mean at times. The voice in my head, my own voice, told me to pay attention, but these things were easy to ignore. This isn't really him, I told myself. He was just having a bad day or had a little too much to drink.

He started talking about moving in together after a few months, but I brushed it off. I liked things just the way they were. I told him I thought it was too soon, that we should wait, but he was so very persuasive, and I gave in. I would have to be crazy not to move in with him and live this dream life he promised, I thought. He talked me into giving up my apartment. His was bigger, more luxurious, and would be perfect for us, he said. I still had reservations, but I was heading to my perfect life, and I ignored that voice in my head.

He was tense the day I moved in; nothing big, but enough for me to notice. He gave me a dirty look as I tried to make room for my clothes in his closet. He criticized me for having too much crap a few times. When I rearranged his bathroom cabinet, making room for my things, he slammed the door closed after he looked at it. I made excuses for him, of course. He hadn't shared his space with anyone in a while and was just a little anxious, I told myself.

We had mind-blowing sex that night, and everything fell into place.

We ran into his old girlfriend one night, but they did not speak. He told me what a horrible person she was, how much she disappointed him.

Later, she came into the ladies room as I was walking out and touched my arm.

"You seem like a nice person so please listen to me. Run. Run away from him as quickly as you can, and don't look back."

I laughed as I walked back to our table. Bitter ex-girlfriends were so much fun.

He talked me into marrying him six months later. I resisted at first, but when he described the perfect life we would have, how he would worship and adore me for the rest of my life, I couldn't think of a reason not to marry him. Of course, the voice in my head was screaming at me to slow down and wait, to be careful, but it was easy to ignore.


	2. I meet my husband

_**I meet my husband…**_

It happened two months after we were married.

We had dinner with some of Jake's friends on Wednesday, and he was distant the next few days. I asked what was wrong a couple of times, and he told me the only thing wrong with him was my fucking nagging so of course, I stopped asking. On Sunday, he was edgy all day, and the tension was thick in that apartment. I stayed away from him, thinking he would talk to me when he was ready. Maybe something was going on at work, I thought.

When he started picking at me, I blew it off.

"Where the hell did you put the floss? I can't find anything in this fucking bathroom anymore."

"Do you have to leave your god damn shoes everywhere? I'm going to break my fucking neck tripping over them one of these days."

The calmer I stayed, the more it seemed to infuriate him, and he picked at me more. I was a patient person, but I wasn't a doormat, and I finally had enough.

"Look, Jake. I don't know what the hell is going on with you, but you need to stop taking it out on me. Talk to me, figure it out on your own, or do whatever you need to do, but stop this bullshit, okay?"

He looked satisfied. It was just what he had been waiting for.

"You know, Bella, I should never have believed in you. I should have known you would disappoint me. It didn't take long, did it?"

I was stunned by his words, but the look on his face is what took my breath away. He was looking at me with hate and contempt, like I was a piece of trash.

"Jake, what's wrong with you?"

"You. That's what's wrong with me, Bella. _You_."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

He laughed.

"_What the hell are you talking about,_" he mimicked. "Look at you standing there so innocently, like you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. You make me sick. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Why didn't you just fuck James on the table right in front of me, Bella? "

I was confused. I didn't think I even knew a James until I remembered the guy I met for the first time at dinner.

"James? You're talking about your friend, James? Are you fucking nuts, Jake? I just met the guy."

"Well, you two were pretty cozy there, Bella. Do you always act like that with men you've just met?"

I thought back to that night and tried to figure out what he was talking about. I barely remembered what the guy looked like. The only thing I remembered was a short conversation with him about music. We both loved the blues and had a lot of favorite artists in common.

I didn't know whether to be flattered or concerned about Jake's jealousy. I went the flattered route - that's how clueless I was.

"Jake, honey, I barely remember the guy. Why would you think anything was going on," I asked as I tried to give him a kiss.

He pushed me away.

"Come on, Jake. He was a nice guy, I guess, and fun to talk to about music, but the only man I want is you. You know that. You're a little jealous, aren't you? It's kind of cute."

"Of course, I'm fucking jealous, you stupid bitch. You did everything you could to let him know you were available, and everyone at that table knew it. You humiliated me."

"Okay, that's it. These accusations are absolutely ridiculous. I'll be in the other room watching TV. Let me know when you calm the fuck down."

He grabbed my arm.

"Oh, no, you don't. You don't walk away from me - ever."

"Well, you know what, Jake? You don't speak to me like this ever. Get your hand off me. I'm done with this conversation."

"Really, Bella? Well, I'll tell _you_ what. Since you're so unhappy with me, why don't you get the fuck out?"

"What?"

"You heard me. Get the fuck out. This is _my_ apartment. Now get out."

He went to the closet, pulled my coat out, and threw it at me along with my purse. He grabbed my keys, put the apartment key in his pocket, and dangled them in front of my face.

"These are car keys, Bella. Use them. Leave."

"Jake … stop ..."

He grabbed my arm, opened the door, and pushed me into the hallway. I heard the lock turn as I stood there staring at that closed door. I had never been thrown out of anywhere in my entire life, especially from what I thought was my home. I had never been treated like that, and I was furious.

"Fuck you, Jake," I yelled as I walked away.

My next door neighbor was unlocking his door and asked me if I was alright.

"Just fucking dandy," I told him as I waited for the elevator.

I called my best friend, Angela, from the car, and she was waiting for me when I pulled up.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Well, other than being more fucking pissed off than I ever have been in my entire life, I'm fine."

After a couple of glasses of wine, I felt calm enough to talk.

"You know there's something wrong with him, don't you, Bella?"

"Oh, I don't know, Angela. He was jealous, that's all. Maybe I was a little too flirty. I did have a few drinks."

This was my first step into the craziness. I began to look for a way to take the blame, to excuse and minimize his behavior. It came so naturally, and I didn't even realize what I was doing.

"Did you give this James guy a blow job at the table, Bella?"

"Of course I didn't," I said, laughing. "What's your point?"

"My point is this isn't simply a little jealousy, Bella. This is the sort of reaction you might expect if you sucked the guy's dick at the table and made Jake watch. What he did today is way out of proportion even if you were a little flirty, which I'm sure you weren't because I know you."

The voice in my head told me to listen to her, to think about what she was saying, but I ignored it just as I ignored it in the months leading up to that day. Instead, I thought about how much I wanted the man who adored and worshipped me back. From that moment on, I slowly became the person who would do just about anything for that love, the most perfect love I would ever know.

I stayed with Angela and waited for Jake to remember he loved me. He started calling two days later. I ignored the calls, deciding he deserved to be punished just a bit. I listened to his messages, though, and smiled with relief as I heard the words I needed to hear. On the third day, he came to my office and begged me to go out to dinner with him. It felt so good, seeing the sadness and panic in his face.

I called Angela to let her know I wouldn't be back, and she pleaded with me to reconsider. Men like Jake will suck you back in just so they can do it again, she told me. I laughed and told her she was being a little too dramatic, of course.


	3. Lost

_**Lost…**_

Jake cried at dinner.

"I am so sorry, Bella. That wasn't me. It's never been me, not until you. I love you so damn much, more than I have ever loved anyone, and just the thought of you with another man drives me insane. I wouldn't act this way if you weren't so damn beautiful, so damn wonderful."

He abused me because I was beautiful and wonderful, because he loved me so much, and it never occurred to me to question that warped justification. I was actually flattered.

I apologized for doing anything that would have led him to feel so insecure. When I did, I taught him I would play my role and become a participant in my own mental abuse. Later, I realized it was all a test to find out whether I would allow him to push my boundaries, and I passed with flying colors. From the second I apologized, he would continue to push my boundaries relentlessly until I had no boundaries. From that day forward, I accepted treatment and abuse I thought I would never accept and blamed myself for all of it. If I was just a better person, if I wasn't so thoughtless and didn't hurt and disappoint him so much, I could make him happy, I thought, and we would have that perfect love again. I was a fairly well-grounded, intelligent person, but my thinking became as warped as his, so easily, so fucking easily. I jumped on his merry-go-round without realizing it and went around and around for a long, long time.

I forgave him that night, of course, and he smiled and promised me nothing would ever get in the way of that perfect love again.

Many things got in the way, though.

The day I was overwhelmed at work with meetings and deadlines and couldn't take his calls every hour got in the way. I was thoughtless, he said. The evening I wore a necklace, a gift from an old boyfriend, simply because it matched my outfit got in the way. I should have lied when he questioned me about it, but I stupidly told him the truth. He threw me out, screaming at me to go find him and fuck him again if he meant so much to me.

Wearing flannel pajamas to bed when I was cold got in the way because he liked me to be naked when we were sleeping. The night I fell asleep when he wanted to make love got in the way. I didn't care about his needs, he told me. Getting out of bed before him on a Sunday morning because I wanted to take a shower got in the way. Not waiting to eat with him when he worked late because I was starving got in the way. I was a selfish bitch, he said.

My friends got in the way. Any male I talked to got in the way. The night I danced with the best man at Angela's wedding, simply because I was her Maid of Honor and it was expected, got in the way. The fact that he made more money than me and paid more towards our living expenses got in the way. The hour I was late coming home from dinner with friends got in the way. The way I dressed got in the way. My very existence seemed to get in the way.

I disappointed him. I disappointed him in every way, he screamed at me over and over, and it was all due to my thoughtlessness, my inadequacies, my failure to understand him, to love him, and my inability to think about anyone but myself.

He was a cruel man when I disappointed him. Sometimes he didn't come home for days. Other times, he walked in the door, looked at me like I was dirt, and shut himself away in the bedroom. I could hear the TV some nights. Other nights, I could hear him on the phone talking and laughing as if he didn't have a care in the world while I sat in the other room crying. I hated that silence, but as time went by, I came to appreciate it as there was less and less of it. It was better than hearing his hate.

He had this way about him, this way of making me sound like the most selfish, thoughtless person in the world. In the beginning, when I still had some amount of sanity left, I simply told him he was wrong and walked away. He was relentless, though, and broke me down until I did nothing but defend myself for the simplest things, things most people would do without a thought. I had no pride or dignity left. I spent hours trying to convince him I was a good person, crying and begging him to believe me. He knew my weaknesses, and he knew my strengths. He knew how to hurt me, and he knew how to turn me into a hysterical pile of nothing. He used anything to hurt me, especially all those secrets I confided to him when we first met. Jake didn't hurt me by hitting me; it was the one thing he never did. He didn't need to, though, because I hit him, and that gave him everything he needed. I was out of my mind as I went after him, and he just smiled and called me crazy.

"No wonder we fight all the time, he told me. "Look at you, you pathetic piece of shit."

I didn't know how Jake would react to anything from day to day, and it kept me completely off balance and constantly insecure. I began to try to control a life that was uncontrollable. I tried to create a balance by examining and carefully planning my every move, my every word, and my every thought to stop things from getting in the way. I spent my time second guessing myself. I no longer heard my own voice in my head; I heard Jake's voice. I began to see everything, especially myself, through his eyes. I lived two lives. There was the illusion I presented to others, and there was the reality I hid. It was a lonely way to live. I allowed no one to know what my life was. Angela tried to be there for me, but I eliminated her from my life, little by little, as she spoke a truth I did not want to hear.

When things didn't get in the way, and Jake was the man who loved and adored me, life was everything I wanted it to be. The most perfect days I ever had were spent with Jake - the nights we made love, the day we spent snorkeling in Mexico, the night we went on a beautiful sunset cruise on that same trip, the nights we went dancing, and the lazy Sundays we watched football all day. I loved Jake so damn much during those times. He could be the most endearing, vulnerable, charming person I'd ever known, and he touched my heart when he opened himself up to me. When that perfect love surrounded us, I convinced myself that the worst was over, and we were past all the ugliness. When things got in the way, I was caught off guard and completely shattered every single time. I believed in him until it almost destroyed me.

Those beautiful times made up for the bad times until Jake got uglier as time went by, and nothing could make up for them. He was meaner, crueler, and his hate for me became deeper as his resentment grew. Jake had a long memory. He would start in on me about one thing, and before I knew it, we were talking about all my past mistakes. The conversations became circular, exhausting, and there was never any resolution. It was all forgotten when the love came back, until the next time things got in the way, and we fought about the same things over and over and over again.

There were times I stayed away after he threw me out and times I packed my bags to escape him. I always went back, though. Sometimes he got me back with his pretty words and promises. Other times, I just went back on my own, not ready to give up my addiction. It truly was an addiction, my need to keep that perfect love he dangled in front of me. I disappeared in all that hate and cruelty, and he became my obsession. Pleasing him became my obsession. Making him happy became my obsession. Trying to stop him from hating me became my obsession. It's what I lived for. I worked harder to convince him I was a good person, worth loving, than I had ever worked at anything in my life.


	4. Decisions

_**Decisions… **_

He threw me out one cold, rainy night.

My next door neighbor walked into the elevator right behind me, and I ignored him. Talking to him was the last thing I wanted to do.

His voice was soft and gentle.

"It's cold outside. Why don't you have a jacket?"

I couldn't answer. I just stood there, trying to stop myself from screaming.

I felt him looking at me as he took off his jacket.

"Please. Take mine. I have another one in my car," he said as he wrapped his jacket around my shoulders.

That one act of kindness from a stranger touched me, and I broke down as I thanked him.

"Come on. I'll walk you to your car if that's alright with you."

We didn't say anything as we walked.

He waited with me until I calmed down.

"Are you okay to drive now?"

"Yes, I'm okay, thank you," I told him, even though I wasn't. That's what we did, people like me. We lied to ourselves, and we lied to everyone else.

He took my cell phone out of my hand and asked me my name.

"Well, Bella, I'm Edward Cullen. You know where I live, and now I'm putting my number in your phone. Please, if you need anything, call me or knock on my door. Please."

He touched my hand before he walked away. He knew what my life was, and I was humiliated that he knew, but that touch made me feel something I almost didn't recognize. It made me feel worthwhile. It gave me just a little bit of hope to hang on to.

I left the jacket hanging on his door knob with a note that simply said thank you. I saw him occasionally, but we just said hello to each other and didn't speak of other things. I was with Jake once when I saw him. We had found our perfect love again and were laughing and happy. I knew better than to acknowledge Edward in front of Jake and ignored him. Edward just stood there staring at the elevator door, and I wondered what he thought of me.

On the night my life changed, Jake threw me out with nothing but my keys and my cell phone. I kept a duplicate debit card hidden in my car, just for nights like that, because that was what my life had been reduced to. The card was rejected at the hotel, and when I checked the account online, I discovered Jake had cleaned it out.

That night was the first time I hated Jake as I looked at that empty account on my phone. I never hated before, but I learned to hate that night. I don't know why leaving me with no money was what brought me to that place after all the cruel things he had done to me, and I never bothered to try to figure it out. It didn't matter because that place was where I needed to be. I needed to hate him.

I had nowhere to go. I had no idea what I was going to do. All I knew was I was consumed by hate, and it was better than crying. I drove back to the apartment and parked nearby. I laid my head back to think, to take a breath, and ended up falling asleep. Hating was indeed better than crying, but it was just as exhausting.

I woke up when I heard them talking. I didn't open my eyes.

"Is that her, Edward? Is that 7C?"

"That's Bella, Alice. Her name is Bella, and yes, she is 7C."

He knocked on the car window. I was embarrassed, but I opened my eyes and looked at him.

"Please, Bella, let my sister and I help you, just for tonight. It's too cold for you to be out here."

I had a choice at that moment, and for the first time in a long time, I made the right choice.

They took me to Alice's apartment. Edward went home and left the two of us alone.

Alice was kind, and I saw tears in her eyes a couple of times when she looked at me. I understood why she was crying. I used to cry when I saw people like me.

She didn't push me to talk and didn't ask any questions. She made tea, and we sat at her kitchen table, sipping it.

"Why did you call me 7C, Alice? How did you know my apartment number?"

It took her a few minutes to answer. When she did, I could hear the sadness in her voice.

"Edward calls me about you, about the woman who lives next door in 7C, when he hears the yelling and hears you cry."

I didn't understand.

"Why? Why would he call you? What difference would it make to you?"

"He calls me so he doesn't call the police or break down your door. He calls me so he can understand and stop himself from interfering. He calls me because I was with the same man; he just had a different face. He calls me because once, a long time ago, I was you, Bella, and I know who you are."

She took both of my hands in hers across the table, and I laid my head down on them and cried.

I wasn't crying over Jake.

I wasn't crying for myself.

I cried for a different reason.

I cried because someone knew, because someone understood.

I didn't have to explain the craziness or the convoluted, complicated nightmare I lived every day to her. She knew. She knew every detail, everything I felt. She knew why I stayed. She knew why I loved him. She knew what it was like to be broken just like me.

She told me her story then, and it was much like mine.

"I have to figure out what I'm going to do, Alice."

She squeezed my hand.

"Don't worry about it, Bella, not tonight. Just sleep and rest tonight. You are safe here."

Safe. I wasn't sure if I even knew what that meant anymore.

I slept for two days. I was just so tired, so very tired. My spirit was tired. My soul was tired.

They were peaceful days. I was in a different world, a world I had left behind. It was a world where I could wake up without fear, that fear that always followed me, and didn't have to worry about saying the wrong word or making the wrong move. I could wake up, look around, and actually decide to go back to sleep instead of jumping out of bed because Jake was ready to start the day. That decision to go back to sleep, such a simple decision that most people take for granted, was so damn remarkable to me. Every time I woke up and made that decision, I knew I would not and could not go back to Jake.

On the third day, I woke up when _I _wanted to wake up. I took a shower when _I _wanted to take a shower. I went to the grocery store and bought what_ I_ wanted to buy for the dinner I was going to cook for Alice that evening.

Dinner for Alice - it seemed like such an inadequate way to try to thank her for her compassion and thoughtfulness. She opened up her home, her heart, even her clothes closet to me. She stayed home from work the two days I slept, just in case I needed someone when I woke up. She did not hover and gave me the space I needed. Above all, she reminded me of something that had been so easy to forget - that people could be kind, gentle and accepting.

I cried as I cooked. His voice was in my head.

_You're worthless, Bella._

_You don't know how to love anyone but yourself, Bella._

_You disappoint me, Bella._

_You are not worth loving, Bella._

The only escape I had from that voice was sleep. I put dinner in the oven and went to bed.

I only meant to sleep for a few minutes – just enough to quiet his voice – but I slept for hours and didn't wake up until I heard the front door open. I jumped out of bed in a panic and ran into the kitchen. Oh my god, I thought, what have I done? The apartment was a mess. I looked like a slob. I didn't clean the kitchen, and dinner was probably dried out in the oven. Jake was going to…

I ran right into Alice.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to sleep so long. I didn't mean to… I never mean to…"

I was crying hysterically as Alice held on to me, whispering softly.

"It's okay, Bella. You need to cry. You deserve to cry."

I cried harder than I'd ever cried as I thought about all that hate that defined my life.

"Why? Why does he hate me so much, Alice," I asked her.

"I don't know, Bella. Men like Jake just need to hate someone. I don't know why."

"Did you wonder why when you left?"

"I did. For a long time."

"And you never figured it out?"

"I drove myself crazy. At first, I blamed myself, of course. After that, I tried to figure him out and couldn't come up with an explanation that made sense."

"How did you finally stop?"

"One day, I woke up and realized it didn't matter. I realized I could spend the rest of my life trying to figure him out and would never have the answer. That was the day I didn't hear his voice in my head anymore - I heard mine."

I couldn't imagine a day without Jake's voice in my head.

"What do I do? How do I get through this?"

"You do the best you can, Bella. Be as strong as you need to be, and as weak as you need to be. Cry when you need to. Scream when you need to. Talk about it when you need to. Someday, Bella - sooner than you think - you'll hear your own voice again. I promise."

I wanted to believe she was right. I hoped she was right. I needed her to be right.

She smiled and grabbed my hand.

"Come on. Let's go eat your dried out, crappy dinner."

Actually, the dinner wasn't completely dried out and crappy. In fact, it was pretty damn good.

"Bella, I've been thinking. Why don't you stay here for a while?"

"I can't do that, Alice. I've already inconvenienced you so much. I was going to look for an apartment tomorrow. I'm not a charity case. I have a good job and can take care of myself."

"You mean you can pay rent? Well, hell, that's even better. Come on, Bella. This place has plenty of room, and I would love the company. I'm not trying to save you – sorry, you're going to have to do that yourself – but I think it would be good for both of us."

"Oh, I don't know…"

"Please, Bella," she pleaded while she gave me 'The Look', as I would call it from that moment forward.

I wondered if anyone could ever resist Alice. I sure couldn't. 'The Look' made me smile, though, when I didn't think anything could.

"Okay, okay. I guess you have a roommate."

"Okay! Let's have dessert, roomie."

I sat at that table and thanked fate for bringing this wonderful person into my life. It felt good, really good. It was the first time I had been thankful for anything in a very long time.

*********************************.  
Thanks for reading!  
I forgot to say that in the previous chapters.


	5. A million little pieces

_**A million little pieces…**_

When I turned on my phone the next day, I had thirty messages from Jake

Two days went by before I could listen to them. I told myself not to, but my addiction and obsession were stronger than my common sense.

Those messages followed the pattern of our life - the begging, the crying, the name calling, the apologizing, the blaming, the anger, the disgust, the twisted excuses, the love, and the hate. His words assaulted me and touched my heart. I could feel myself getting weaker. I wanted to believe he was sincere when he said he would change. I wanted to believe his offer to seek counseling was genuine. Maybe this time would be different, I thought.

His last message changed my mind.

"_You have five days to get your shit out of here, you fucking bitch. It goes in the dumpster after that."_

He didn't want to change. He would never change. I finally knew that.

I needed to get my things out of the apartment. I wasn't worried about my clothes or furniture; I could replace those. What couldn't be replaced were the memories of my parents. Those pictures and mementos were all I had left of them.

I took a shower and forced myself to look in the mirror. I was haggard, old, and my eyes were haunted. I hated looking in the mirror, but I needed to. I had to remember every day, every minute, every second, what loving Jake had cost me.

I walked out the door as Alice was getting off the elevator.

"Hey, Bella! Where are you heading to?"

I actually thought about lying to her until I decided I would not live a life based on lies again.

"I need to get some of my things out of the apartment before he throws them away, Alice."

She grabbed my arm to stop me.

"Oh, Bella, I don't know. Alone? This doesn't sound like a great idea. Let's go in and talk about it."

"I can't do that, Alice. I lost my parents a few years ago, and I need to get their pictures and things that they left me. It's all I have left of them. If I hurry, I can get out of there before he comes home from work."

She didn't hesitate when she said, "Well then… I'm going with you."

"No, Alice. I don't want to get you involved in this."

"Silly Bella. I'm already involved. You're my friend, and I'm going to make sure nothing happens to you. Now wait here. I'll be right back," she told me as she ran into the apartment.

I looked at the box of trash bags in her hand when she came out.

"We might as well get your clothes while we're there, Bella. It makes sense, right? We can throw them in Edward's apartment until we can get them over here."

"Do you think he'll mind, Alice? I don't want to inconvenience him."

"I already texted him, and he is happy to do anything he can to help you. He was on his way home and said he would come over and help us. "

I was nervous as we walked into the apartment. I thought I might have some sentimental attachment to it, but I didn't. It was like walking back into hell.

Alice took over right away. That was the day I Iearned what an organized whirlwind she could be.

"Bella, you grab your parent's stuff, and I'll get started on your clothes. Hurry. We need to get out of here."

The first thing I wanted was the picture of my parents and me. It was their favorite picture of three of us and always had a special place of honor in their house.

It was gone.

I walked over to the shelf I kept it on and saw what was left of it on the floor. The frame and glass were broken, and he took the time to rip that picture up in what seemed like a million little pieces. It broke my heart. He knew how much that picture meant to me.

I picked up every piece of that picture. I needed to have them. I needed them for the weak moments, the moments I began to think about the best in Jake and missed that perfect love. I needed to look at those pieces every single day and remember what a fucking monster he truly was.

I stood up just as Jake walked into the apartment. I didn't have time to react. He ran across the room, wrapped his hands around my neck, and slammed me against the wall. He was out of his mind as he cursed me, as he choked me. I couldn't get his hands off my throat. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't scream. I knew I was going to die.

Suddenly, he was gone, and I fell to the floor, coughing and trying to catch my breath.

Edward had him against the wall, kicking him, punching him.

"_You motherfucking piece of shit. I've been waiting a long time to…"_

"Edward, stop. Don't do this. Remember who you are," Alice yelled as she pulled him away from Jake.

Edward looked around, disoriented. When he saw me on the floor, he picked me up and carried me out of the apartment.

We could hear Jake screaming.

"_I'm having you fucking arrested, you son of a bitch."_

"The picture, the pieces, Edward. I need those pieces," I whispered to him.

"Shhh. Don't worry. We'll get them for you, Bella. Every last piece. I promise."

Edward put me down on the couch.

"Okay, Bella, let's see what's going on with you."

I looked at Alice as Edward started examining me. It made her smile just a bit.

"It's okay. He's a doctor. He'll take good care of you, Bella."

"Bella, I want you to lie down flat, and put this pillow under your neck. Don't move your head; just stay still. You have a lot of bruising, but I don't think there are any other injuries. We need to get your neck x-rayed, though, just in case. Just relax, and try to breathe normally, okay?"

I felt safe with them. I finally remembered what feeling safe meant.

Jake tried to have Edward arrested. The officers just laughed at him after they saw my neck.

He walked past me, handcuffed and accompanied by two officers, as the EMTs wheeled my stretcher to the ambulance.

He started cursing me as they shoved him into the police car.

Edward grabbed my hand.

"I'm sorry, Bella. That must be hard for you."

I watched them drive him away. As Jake disappeared in the distance, I understood the one truth I had in my life.

"No. No, it's not hard at all, Edward. It's over. It's finally over. I'm free."

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Thanks for reading!  
Judy xoxoxo


	6. It isn't easy being free

_**It isn't easy being free…**_

There were three things I didn't do that made me believe my journey to heal myself would be easy.

I didn't miss Jake. I didn't care what happened to him. I didn't try to figure him out.

I was wrong.

I wasn't free. I didn't know how to be free, to just be. I couldn't relax. I still second guessed myself and constantly apologized for every move I made, every word I said. I had no sense of humor and took myself far too seriously. I took everything too seriously. Everything around me had to be perfect. I had to be perfect. I still cried every day, even though everything in me wanted to laugh again.

I thought I would look forward, but I was wrong about that also. I needed to know how I lost myself and remained trapped in the past.

The truth was easy to see. I stopped listening to my own voice. I dove head first into a marriage with a man I barely knew. I ignored the red flags that were flapping furiously in front of me, and I ignored the doubts I had. The truth of why I stayed when things started going bad was also easy to see. Something in me needed to make it work. I thought all that time it was love, but I realized there was something else that kept me there. I didn't want another failure in my life. I had failed relationships in my past, and I could not face another mistake. I could not admit to myself I made the wrong choice again.

I faced the realization that my marriage was all a sick game, a game that brought Jake something I would never understand. I was addicted to a man who did not exist. I was obsessed by a love that was never real. I thought Jake was the man I knew in the beginning, the man who was kind, loving, understanding, and adored me in every way, but that wasn't who Jake was. He pretended to be everything I ever dreamed of to lure me in, to get me in the game, and played me from the beginning. He was patient, so very patient, biding his time and building my trust in him. After I married him, when I was fully committed to him in every way, I met the real Jake. I believed him so easily when he told me I was the reason for his cruelty and his hate. If only you weren't so selfish, so thoughtless, and didn't disappoint me, Bella, I could love you, I could be that man who adored you again, he told me over and over. His thoughts became my thoughts. His disapproval, his rage, and his hate devastated me, and I did anything to try to please him, to make him love me again. I was unable to make a simple decision without his approval. I lost my self-confidence and no longer trusted my own mind as every criticism, every insult, pierced my soul. He manipulated me, humiliated me, and degraded me, and I allowed him to do it.

I allowed it. Facing that truth was what almost broke me.

I criticized and punished myself relentlessly for being too trusting, too naïve, too weak, and so stupid. I knew there were men like Jake and women who were abused and controlled, but I never thought I would be one of them. I thought I was too smart and too strong to ever get into a situation like that. I was wrong.

I had a hard time coming to terms with that reality, that I allowed it to happen to me. It was devastating. I looked at myself with disgust when I saw the person I became, when I remembered the crying, the begging, the insecurities, the jealousy, the hysterics, attacking him, hitting him like I was some uncivilized animal. That was what I relived over and over - not what Jake did, but what I did, what I became.

This was my time of darkness and midnight. It wasn't Jake's voice that haunted me - it was my own voice, enraged that I allowed my spirit to die the way that I did. On those days, I looked at the pieces of my parent's picture and cried. I picked up the pieces and let them fall through my fingers. I watched them fall to the floor as I forced myself to remember and tried to find some way to forgive myself. I was still so lost. I couldn't put myself back together any more than I could put that picture back together.

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Thanks for reading! Judy xoxoxo


	7. I remember now

_**I remember now…**_

I think I would have remained lost if it wasn't for the Cullens. I was truly blessed when they walked into my life, one by one.

I resisted their help at first. Alice and Edward helped me so much those first few weeks, and I didn't want to take too much. I didn't want to be needy, dependent, or a bother and thought saving myself was something I had to do alone. I didn't want to be anyone's project. I didn't want to be their cause, the '_Let's save Bella'_ cause - I didn't think I was worth it. In the end, though, I let them in. They cared about me. They wanted the best for me. They wanted to see me smiling, happy, and free of the past. It took me a while to believe they could love me, but they overcame every insecurity and doubt I had.

Their voices were loving and kind as each of them gave me something in their own unique way.

Edward and Alices's mom and dad, Esme and Carlisle, were there for me when I needed parents. They encouraged me, gave me advice, and sometimes they just listened when I needed to talk. They reminded me that unconditional love did exist.

Alice helped me to just be. Her first bright idea was to prohibit me from cleaning my room or the apartment for one week. I think I was driving her crazy with my continuous cleaning.

"So, Bella. We are going to say _'Fuck this cleaning crap'_ for seven days. We are going to leave dirty dishes in the sink, crumbs on the floor, and dust balls wherever the hell they want to be."

I only made it five days, but we both figured that was a record for me and decided her 'therapy' was a success. Not cleaning was ridiculously and embarrassingly difficult for me, but I did remember that the world doesn't end if everything isn't perfect.

Their brother, Emmett, teased me when I took myself too seriously, and I remembered how to laugh at myself.

Rosalie, Emmett's wife, told me to _"Knock it off. You're being crazy."_ in her direct, no-nonsense way whenever I started to overthink or apologize. She gave me the perspective I so desperately needed.

Alice's boyfriend, Jasper, calmed me down when I was frustrated or angry with myself. He just had a way, this soothing way with words, that put my mind at ease.

Edward gave me the most, I think. He helped me find joy again in the simplest of ways.

He wouldn't let me hide from the world in that apartment every night, brooding. I never knew when he was coming over. He just knocked on the door and told me to get ready, that we were going out. I refused the first few times, and nothing he said could change my mind. He was persistent, though, and I finally said yes.

"Where are we going?

"Bowling."

"Bowling? I'm terrible at that. Can't we do something else?"

"Nope, bowling it is. You don't need to be perfect at this, Bella. You just need to have fun."

I grudgingly put on those nasty bowling shoes and went along with the whole stupid bowling thing until I threw a strike, and my world changed. I suddenly loved bowling. I did a victory dance around the lane. I pumped my fists in the air, laughing and yelling, _"Yes! Yes! Yes! I am the Bowling Goddess!"_

I will never forget that moment, the moment I felt joy again. I had forgotten what it felt like to be that free, that uninhibited, that spontaneous.

When I was done celebrating, I turned to look at Edward. He was staring at me and smiling. Normally, I would be embarrassed and start apologizing for acting so stupidly, but I never did that with Edward. I could completely be myself with him whether I was happy or sad.

"What? What's wrong with you? You're stunned by my awesome skills, I bet. I know. I'm great. What can I say?"

He continued to smile and stare.

"Hello? Edward?"

"You are … I have never seen anyone so joyful, so beau..."

He stopped in the middle of his sentence and picked up his bowling ball.

"Come on, let's get on with the game. I'm coming at you with my 'A' game now so maybe you celebrated too soon, Bowling Goddess."

I found joy again in many places, and he just smiled and stared when I did. I found it when I got a hole in one when we were miniature golfing. I found it when I rammed him with my bumper car at a local fair. I found it on the ferris wheel and the roller coaster. I found it when we played cards and checkers, and I won. I found it when we took a walk, and I spotted an owl sleeping in a tree. I found it when I cooked him dinner, and he loved it, even though I burned the potatoes. I found it when he brought me to a blues club, and I danced all night to the music I forgot I loved. I found it when he sent me a text message in the middle of the day, just to say hello. I found it when he told me silly jokes. I found it every time he knocked on my door.

I was surrounded by more love and support than I ever imagined I would have in my life again. There was always a hand reaching out to help me up when I fell, always a kind voice encouraging me on my darkest days. The voice in my head, my own voice, became gentler and more understanding as I gradually forgave myself for becoming the person I never thought I would become. My life was slowly coming back together. I was slowly coming back together.

I remembered how to live again.

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Finally some happiness!  
We need more, though, especially Bella, so I'm going to post another chapter tonight.

Thanks for reading and the reviews!  
Judy xoxoxo


	8. I take it all back

_**I take it all back…**_

Two things happened on the day my life became my own again.

I was scheduled to testify at Jake's trial along with Edward and Alice. Jake refused to accept a plea bargain, and no one understood why, including his own attorney. The evidence against him almost guaranteed a guilty verdict and a long prison term.

I stayed in my bedroom that morning, trying to talk myself into getting dressed. All I wanted to do was hide. I didn't want to see Jake. I didn't want to be near him. I was fucking terrified I would turn into that person I was slowly erasing once I saw him again.

When I finally came out, Edward and Alice were waiting. I thought we would leave right away, but Edward stopped me as I walked toward the door.

"Bella, wait. I have something for you."

He went to the closet and pulled out what looked to be a framed picture wrapped in brown paper.

Alice started crying as he handed it to me.

"I don't understand, Edward. What…"

"You will. Just open it, Bella."

It was the picture with my parents.

I couldn't say a word. I just stood there, looking at the picture and smiling. It's surprising sometimes, the things that can make you whole again. For me, it was that picture. I thought it was lost forever. I thought I was lost forever. Neither one of those things were true.

When I looked at Edward, he was staring at me with that same smile he always had whenever I found my joy. This time, though, he was wiping away tears.

"How? How did you do this? This is… this is a miracle."

"Well, it isn't quite a miracle, Bella. Remember when you dropped that pile of your parent's old papers during your psycho cleaning spree a couple of weeks ago and begged me to pick them all up?"

His description of what I called my therapeutic organization exercise made me laugh. It's what I did when I didn't want to think.

"You left the room while I cleaned up your mess, and didn't see it - the negative – just laying there on the floor. I had it developed and framed and waited until today to give it to you. I just thought today would be a good day to give it to you. I hope you're not mad that I waited."

"Of course I'm not mad," I told him as I hugged him.

"It's the perfect day to give it to me, Edward," I whispered in his ear. "It's absolutely perfect. Thank you."

I was the last one to testify. I was a little shaky walking into the courtroom, but I no longer felt like hiding. I didn't look at Jake until I was seated in the witness stand. He was leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed like he didn't have a care in the world. He had a self satisfied smirk on his face as he stared at me.

It hit me immediately. I knew why he insisted on going to trial. I had convinced myself I didn't know him at all, but I knew exactly what he was thinking. He didn't think I would go through with it. He didn't think I would testify against him. He thought I would be scared the way I was always scared of him. He thought I would be cowering, ashamed, and blaming myself. He thought he still controlled me, and he thought he would be walking out of that courtroom a free man.

Watching that pathetic excuse of a man sit there so sure of himself, so confident that he had me in the palm of his hand, just pissed me off. I wanted to do something to let him know I wasn't scared, wasn't blaming myself, and wouldn't be cowering. I did the first thing that popped into my head, and it was perfect.

I smiled and winked at him and wiped that smirk right off of his face.

I heard Edward laughing from the back of the courtroom as the voice in my head, my own voice, told me I fucking rocked. I felt powerful as I watched Jake panic, and I couldn't stop smiling as I reclaimed all that I had lost, all that I had given away.

Jake begged for another plea bargain, and I agreed to the terms after it was negotiated. It wasn't as good as the deal he turned down, but it was more than he deserved. I sat in the courtroom as he was sentenced to a seven-year prison term. I believed with everything in me that Jake would have killed me that day, and I thought that sentence would bring me some sort of satisfaction, but I felt nothing. I was done with him, and I didn't look back as I walked out of the courtroom. Our divorce was final the following month, and I never saw him again.

I was, without a doubt, finally free.

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Bella gets her life back, and Jake gets what he deserves. Ha! I love this chapter.

Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Judy xoxoxo


	9. Perfectly content and clueless

_**Perfectly content and clueless…**_

After, I just breathed. It was a beautiful time for me, those first weeks when I was free. I savored the moments and the peace I had with the world, with myself. I watched the sun come up every morning, cherishing the quiet and stillness of each new day.

I was no longer the person I had become when I was with Jake, but I didn't go back to being the person I was before I met Jake, either. I would never be that person again. The person I became was older and wiser, and I honestly liked her. She grew up in many ways and was able to admit to and forgive herself for mistakes she had made. She faced the worst in herself, but somehow, after it was all over, she found the best in herself. She was kind, giving and funny. She loved life more and took nothing for granted. She had fewer expectations. She enjoyed and appreciated the simple things in life in a way she never had before. She was strong, and she knew who she was. She would never surrender her dignity and peace of mind to anyone again and would never stop listening to her own voice.

I was sad in a way about losing who I once was - that young, trusting, innocent girl who believed in the wonderfulness of everything and everyone – but I saw her again as time went by. I treasured those moments when I saw glimpses of her. I loved her optimism and her willingness to see the best in people, and I was happy that part of me wasn't destroyed.

The months flew by.

The most remarkable thing about those months was how much I laughed and how little I cried. I cried twice if I don't count crying over sad movies. I cried when I walked back into Angela's life. She cried more. And then we laughed and picked up right where we left off. I cried when I left Alice, moving into my own apartment. She cried just as much. And then we laughed because we were being ridiculous. I wasn't going very far - my apartment was in the same building.

I didn't cry at all the next year if I don't count crying over sad movies. There was so much to not cry about, to celebrate. I had so much to be grateful for. My life was happy. I was happy. I loved my job again. I had Angela again. I was part of a family. I had only one voice in my head - mine. And I had Edward.

Dr. Edward Cullen. How do I describe that man? He was beautiful, physically stunning. He was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. He didn't know how beautiful he was, though. I wondered how he couldn't know, and to this day, I don't have an answer. He just didn't. It didn't matter to him. What mattered to him was who he was, not what he looked like. He was a man of integrity. He was a man of kindness and endless understanding and patience. He was dedicated to his family and his patients. He had a warped sense of humor. He loved coffee ice cream. He was my best friend.

That's just the way it was from the very beginning. He was there for me when I was putting myself together again, and he was there to celebrate with me when I was done. I never had a friend like him, never had a connection with anyone like I had with him. I never laughed as much as I laughed when I was with Edward. I never felt as safe as I felt when I was with Edward. I never trusted anyone the way I trusted Edward.

A few men asked me out, but I had no interest. I didn't want any entanglements. I didn't want to fall in love. I healed myself in every way, but that was the one door I kept closed, the one door I could not open. It scared me, opening myself up like that and allowing someone that close again. I was happy and perfectly content being by myself; although, I wasn't really by myself. I had my friends. I had my family. I had Edward. They filled my life with everything I needed.

Women fell at Edward's feet wherever he went. He ended up going out with one of his admirers every once in awhile. Sometimes I encouraged him to date instead of hanging around with me all the time even though thinking about him with another woman bothered me. I told myself I was acting like one of those annoying, possessive, clingy best friends, and convinced myself to stop. He always ended up at my apartment afterward and never mentioned his dates. I always asked him how it went, and he always said it went nowhere.

He came over one night after another date, and we watched TV. He wasn't in a very good mood.

"So how did the date go?"

"It went nowhere."

"You didn't like her?"

"She was fine."

"Fine? What does fine mean?"

He ignored me.

"Okay, then. Don't tell me. I'll figure out what fine means on my own. Fine could mean she was very nice, but boring. Fine could mean she talked too much. Or maybe she didn't talk enough. Maybe you didn't like…"

"God damn it, Bella. Enough. Stop."

He surprised me. Edward rarely got impatient or angry with me.

"Hey, what's wrong? Talk to me. I'm sorry. I was just trying to make you laugh."

He mumbled something under his breath. All I could make out was the word 'clueless'.

"What did you just say? Did you say I'm clueless?"

He just looked at me.

"No, I didn't say you were clueless. You, Bella Swan, could never be clueless. Just drop it, okay?"

I didn't, of course.

"No, I won't drop it. I want to know why I'm clueless."

"Stop, Bella. Fucking let it go."

We were both pissed off and ignored each other while we watched TV.

"So, Edward, why don't _you_ decide what we should watch next? I probably can't do it because I am, you know, clueless," I said sweetly as I handed him the remote.

He threw it on the table and looked at me.

"You're not going to let this go, are you? Okay, you're right. I called you clueless. I called you clueless because you are absolutely, one hundred percent, positively clueless. You want to know about my date tonight? She was nice. She was really, really fucking nice. I should have fucking proposed to her, that's how nice she was. You want to know what was wrong with her? You really want to know? She wasn't you, Bella. That's what was wrong with her. That's what's wrong with all of them – they aren't you. And that's why you're fucking clueless. "

He kissed me. It wasn't a best friend kiss. That kiss was full of passion and desire, and it surely wasn't how you kissed your best friend. It was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me, and it scared the hell out of me.

He let me go and stood up.

"Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry. I know you don't … look, I have to go. I'm sorry."

He left me sitting there and walked out the door.

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Thanks for reading and reviewing!  
Judy xoxoxoxo


	10. Please open the door

_**Please open the door…**_

I was brushing my teeth, thinking about Edward and that kiss, when he came back.

I just stood there with the toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, watching him walk back and forth in my bedroom.

He stopped and looked at me.

"I'm not really sorry, you know. I'm not sorry one fucking bit for kissing you. I'm not sorry for calling you clueless either. You are. Every time I'm with you, I wonder how you can't see it; how you can't see that I am so in love with you."

I swallowed some toothpaste then and told him I had to spit.

"You see. That's why I'm crazy about you. I tell you I love you, and you tell me you have to spit," he said.

After I spit, I sat down next to him on the bed.

"So what do you think, Bella?"

"About what?" I asked, knowing I would hurt him when I said it.

"Yeah, that's what I figured. Look, I'm going to go. This was a mistake," he said as he stood up.

"No. Edward, please don't leave. Just answer my question. Please."

"About us, Bella. What do you think about us?"

"It scares me. That's what I think about it."

"I'm not him, Bella."

"You could be," I said, knowing I would hurt him again.

"That's not true. You know that isn't true."

"I thought I knew what was true once. I was wrong."

"You know me. You trust me."

"It's not you I don't trust. It's me. On this one thing – on this love thing – I don't trust myself, Edward. I don't trust myself to make the right decision."

"So what are you telling me, Bella?"

"I don't know what I'm telling you. All I know is I'm terrified. I can't lose myself. Not again."

"Yeah, I get it. No entanglements, right?"

"Right. No entanglements. It's just easier that way."

"Easier," he whispered.

He walked toward the door and turned around.

"This love I have for you, Bella, it's crazy. Something about you has always touched me, even when I didn't know you. I remember the first time I saw you when you moved in. You were the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. You were so full of life, so exuberant and happy. I thought about how lucky that man was and wanted to find someone just like you. Later, when it all started, I was going to move, you know. I couldn't stand listening to you cry. I heard the hate in his voice as he screamed at you, as he belittled you, and I literally wanted to break down your door and kill him. That night I gave you my jacket in the elevator? I was on my way to look at another place. I didn't even recognize you at first. I remembered that beautiful woman who captivated me, and couldn't believe you were the same person. I never did go look at that apartment. I couldn't leave you. I felt like some sick, crazy stalker, but I just could not leave you behind. That's when I started calling Alice and tried to understand the world you lived in on the other side of the wall."

I shut my eyes as I listened to him, remembering that broken person.

"I swear to God, that night I found you in the car, and you said yes was one of the happiest moments in my life. Thinking I could lose you when I walked in on him choking you drove me insane. I would have killed him for hurting you if Alice wasn't there. I tried so hard not to love you because I knew that wasn't what you wanted. I even went out on all these ridiculous dates to try to forget, but I can't forget, not when all I see is you. That first time we went bowling when you threw the strike… that's the night I knew I loved you. I'll never forget that night. You were so free, so happy, so beautiful. You took my breath away. I've watched you go through hell, tear yourself to shreds, and believe in yourself again. I wanted to tell you I loved you a thousand times, but that isn't what you needed. You needed a friend, and that's what I've always tried to be until tonight. I want to be more than that, Bella. Tonight, I'm asking you this. Let me in. Trust me. Love me. We can be good together. We can be more than good - we can be wonderful. Please give us a chance."

He walked out of the room, and I heard him leave a few minutes later. I flinched when I heard the door shut. I didn't know what scared me more – loving him or losing him.

I wandered into the living room and saw them – the words he wrote on the door.

_Once in a while, in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale. This is our chance, Bella. Please take it. I love you._

I sat down and stared at that closed door and wondered if I could ever open it.

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Thank you for reading!

Judy xoxoxo


	11. Whispers

_I want you to have this chapter tonight. I love it so much._

* * *

_**Whispers…**_

She was getting off the elevator as I was getting on. I saw her before, but we never spoke.

She lived in 4D, and I knew who she was.

She didn't look at me, and I knew she wanted to scream.

"It's cold out, and you need a coat. Take mine. You can return it whenever you can," I said as I wrapped my coat around her shoulders.

I asked her what her name was and took her cell phone out of her hand.

"Jessica, my name is Bella, and I live in 2B. I just put my number in your phone. If you need anything, please, please call me or knock on my door."

I remembered then. I remembered that one touch so long ago, just a quick touch on my hand that made me feel worthwhile and gave me some hope. I touched her hand gently and started to walk away.

"How did you know?" she asked.

I turned around and didn't answer her right away as I listened to his voice and all that hate. It was just a distant memory, a faint whisper, and I almost couldn't hear it.

"Once, I was married to the same man – he just had a different face. I know you. I know why you stay. I know why you love him. I know what it's like to be broken like you," I told her as I took her hands in mine.

She cried.

She didn't cry for herself.

She didn't cry for the humiliating life she lived.

She cried for the same reason I cried as I sat in Alice's kitchen the night my life changed.

She cried because someone knew, because someone understood.

"Thank you," she whispered.

I asked her to come up to the apartment to talk, but she made an excuse.

She would knock on my door one day, I thought, as I watched her walk away. I hoped I was right. I needed to be right.

I shut the apartment door and leaned against it, crying.

I heard their voices then and smiled.

They were the voices that completed my life.

"I told you she would be home soon, buddy."

"_Mommy!"_

My son came running to me as Edward followed behind him.

I picked him up and kissed them both.

"Mommy sad," my son whispered as he touched a tear.

"Mommy was sad, sweetie, but that's over now. I could never be sad while I'm holding you."

"So, baby… what happened," Edward asked me later when our little guy was sleeping.

I told him about her, and he held me while I cried and ached for all the Jessica's in the world.

When I was done, I looked at the door that still had the words on it.

There were more words now. I added words for Edward the day we were married. I wanted them to be my words, but I found better words one day, words that Judy Garland wrote decades before.

"_For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." _

That night, the night he wrote on my door, it took me four hours to finally listen to the voice in my head – my own voice – that was reminding me of what I knew to be true. I always knew it to be true - I just chose to hide from it.

I ran to the door, opened it without hesitation, and went to find him. He wasn't very far away. Edward was never very far away from me. He was on the other side of that door, sitting on the floor in the hallway, waiting for me.

I sat down next to him.

"You're here."

"So are you."

"Did you have to use a permanent marker?"

"I didn't want you to erase me or my words."

"I wouldn't do that."

"You might if you're scared."

"I'm not."

"Are you sure?"

"Very sure. I love you."

"I know."

"You're pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?"

"I'm sure of us, Bella; although, I started having a few doubts after three hours."

"I'm so sorry, Edward."

"No. Don't apologize. I love that you value your life and happiness. I love that it means that much to you. You worked hard to get there. Don't ever apologize for that."

"Where do we go from here?"

"Anywhere we want to, Bella. Anywhere at all is fine with me as long as I'm with you."

Anywhere turned out to be my bedroom.

I opened my heart and gave him everything. I heard another voice - a beautiful voice, his voice - as he whispered about the future he saw and how much he loved me.

I was wrong about being free.

That night, when I loved and trusted without doubt or fear, when the last of my wounds and scars healed - that was the night I was truly free.

****************************.

She knocked on my door a month later. Her soul was tired, her spirit was tired, but I saw something different in her face.

I heard something different in her voice.

Hope.

* * *

_Thank you so much for reading and loving this story. I'll be posting the start of a new story in a week or so._

_I'm also writing a one shot for the Fandom for Colorado that will benefit the Waldo Canyon Fire victims._

_It's a great cause. Check it out. We have had such a hard summer here in Colorado between the fire and the horrible shootings._

_Thanks again._

_Judy_  
_xoxoxo_


	12. Jake

I didn't think the story was complete without this. Judy xoxoxo

* * *

_**Jake…**_

"_**Every life deserves a certain amount of dignity, no matter how poor or damaged the shell that carries it."**__** - **__**Rick Bragg, **__**All Over But the Shoutin'**_

They were all the same, these fucking women. You couldn't trust them. You couldn't believe in them. They would always let you down. My whore mother taught me that. She taught me these things when she went on her drunken binges and disappeared for two or three days, shacking up with any man who would have her. She was always so remorseful and ashamed when she came home and swore she would never do it again, but she never kept her promise. She always did it again. She always disappointed me and my dad. I remember him sitting at the window every night she was gone, waiting for her. He cried a lot, and when he did, I climbed in his lap and begged him to leave, just the two of us, and find us another home, a happy home where no one cried.

"I love your mom, Jake. We can't leave her. She's sick. She needs us. We can't leave her alone. Someday she'll get better, I promise. We just need to love her enough."

I saw what loving and believing in her did to him. It sucked the life out of him. It destroyed him, and I swore I would never be him. I would never let a fucking woman do to me what she did to him.

****************************.

_Jacob Black, age 37, was found dead after residents complained about the odor coming from his apartment. The coroner reported he was shot in the chest and was dead for at least a week before his body was discovered. Residents state Black was unfriendly, and no one knew his name or his live-in girlfriend's name. Black was incarcerated for attempted murder and had just completed a three-year parole. Police reports show a record of at least four domestic violence contacts at that address. Black's girlfriend denied there was any abuse or violence in the home, however, and there were no arrests. Police suspect that Black's girlfriend, name and age unknown, shot him, and is asking the public to call their hotline if they have any information on her. Black's ex-wife, Bella Cullen, who he almost murdered eight years before, was notified about his death. In a surprise twist to this case, she paid to have him cremated and asked that his ashes be dealt with appropriately and respectfully. When this reporter contacted her to find out why she would do that, she simply said it was the right thing to do, that everyone deserved to be treated with dignity and respect, even Mr. Black._


End file.
